I know, I know I've been delinquent...

I know it's been a while since I've posted, and some of that is because I took a little time off, and some of it is just because I've been swamped at work.  My best laid plans to run in San Francisco went right out the window, because my dad did decide to stay behind to be with my mom with everything going on with my grandma, so I was on my own to handle the conference.  With the extra workload, there was almost no time to run (let alone breathe), and then when I did finally have some time, I ended up with a migraine so bad that it wouldn't have been advisable.  Plus, one of our very sweet lawyers insisted that I get a massage at the hotel instead (and when I say insisted, I mean, he actually took me by the elbow and escorted me to the concierge, where he said "this woman has been working too hard! She needs a massage!"  So no running for me, despite my belief that it probably would have helped my stress level and it would have been a cool way to see San Francisco.  And I'd even traveled with all my running stuff, and hunted down the hotel's map of where to run.  But alas, it wasn't meant to be.  I'll just have to go back!

As for an update on my grandma, she's hanging in there, but she's been through a tough time.  When she was admitted to the hospital, they realized she'd had a series of strokes, and after running some tests, also found out that she has colon cancer.  They were able to surgically remove the tumor, at which point they realized she also had gall stones and decided to remove her gall bladder as well.  She's still in the hospital and recovery is slow, but not bad for a woman about to be 86 on Thursday! But it's still a lot of work and worry for my mom, who's been at the hospital almost all day every day since she's been there, and it's been a lot of worry for the rest of the family as well, especially since she's certainly not out of the woods yet and will now require full time care of some type.  

So with all of this going on, I flew home from San Francisco last Sunday and was totally wiped out and jet-lagged. It always seems silly that the three-hour time difference hits me harder than six or 12 hours, but for some reason, it's just enough time that I'm not tired enough to fall asleep earlier at night but I'm still wiped out in the mornings.  Plus, I was planning to take the next two weeks off for vacation, so I was working late this past week to cram in as much work as possible before I took time off.  Eventually, we decided it would be better for me to work Monday and Tuesday before taking two weeks off, because I just have too much post-conference things to finish up.  Oh, and in the meantime, I was also supposed to be training for a race. Today's race.  A 10k.  Yikes.

Coach J had told me to get back to running on Wednesday, after I talked to him on Tuesday afternoon.  He suggested I start with 35 minutes on Wednesday, 45 minutes on Friday and just think of today's race as my long run with water stops.  I kept telling myself it would be only about five minutes longer than my longest run ever, so it probably wouldn't be a big deal.  On Wednesday, I ran the 35 minutes about mid-day, and it was great running weather, so it was a good run.  After nine days off, my body felt great and rested, and although I was really worried about where I'd be, I was running okay.  My legs were a bit tight on Thursday and when I ran Friday, but I ran 4 miles in 44:10, which I was happy with, especially since it was nice and humid.  I was so preoccupied with work and family this week, and with my niece's christening this afternoon, I almost forgot that I had the 10k.  When my brother-in-law asked me yesterday if I was ready, I thought he meant for the christening, and it took me a minute to remember my race!  Good thing I remembered my sneakers...

I tried to forget the jitters last night, although I thought about Coach J telling me that when he's nervous, he knows he's ready to race.  I managed to get a good night's sleep, and woke up around six, before my alarm.  I was ready to get this over with.  I'd had a sudden worry that there would be a lot of hills (and if you know where I train, you know it's totally flat), but there wasn't a lot I could do about it.  I suited up, packed my bag with water, Advil, and some post-race snacks and headed out.  When I arrived at the race, there weren't a lot of people checking in yet, but the ones who were were all SERIOUS runners.

Seriously.

You know the type - long lean muscular legs, spandex everywhere, all the right footwear, eyewear, headwear, the works. I knew I was in for it.  I reminded myself that my goal for the day was just to finish.  I really wanted to finish under 70 minutes, but I mainly just wanted to finish.  I tried to remember that I wasn't really competing against anyone, that this was just my run today, and that helped.  After I registered, put on my race bib, and this chip for my shoe (I had to ask about that, feeling like a total idiot for never having seen one before), I was ready.  But there was still about forty minutes left.  So I put my tee shirt and bag in the car, and realized that the same chiropractors (including a very cute one) from the Hot Pursuit 5k were there.  I headed over to them to get stretched, and they're into the kinesiology tape (a la Misty May Treynor in the summer Olympics).  I wasn't sold on it after it didn't seem to make a huge difference in my hip during the last race, but I gave it a shot on my knees this time, and I have to say that until it peeled off in the rain, my knees actually didn't hurt for the first time since I started running. So now I'm officially a convert.

Finally it was time to line up.  The emcee of the event said, "We're here in Woodcliff Lake.  That's right, we have woods. We have a lake. And yes, we have hills."  

Crap.

But I was there, and determined to do my best. I could tell that as the runners gathered, I was going to be late in the pack - I picked out the people I thought I could beat (and I don't think I beat a one of them), but mostly, everyone was not kidding around.  Even the emcee said "this race separates the runners from the wannabe runners."  Well, I thought, I'm a runner, so I told myself to stop feeling like I didn't belong and just settle into my race.  Finally, they sounded the horn and we were off!

I knew I'd probably start off a little fast, so I tried to concentrate on running slower.  I felt really tired after only half a mile, which I thought didn't bode well for the rest of the race.  Plus, we hadn't actually gone up any hills yet.  I reminded myself that I always hated the first mile, and kept going.  Before I knew it, I was at the mile marker, and I'd run it in 10:37!  Not bad, but a little faster than I was planning on (though I hate running the 11-minute miles, it's been where I'm at lately, and I was trying not to push it so soon after a long hiatus).  Right after the first mile marker, there was a BIG hill.  Sweet.

I told myself it was no bigger than the one I ran in Island Heights, so I focused on pushing myself. I mean how many hills could there be right? HA.  I lost count there were so many!  But mile two, I had the first big hill, and then a lot of it was downhill, so all of the energy I'd really expended pushing myself early on came back, because I almost got a break on the downhill.  Not that downhill is a piece of cake, because it's tough on your quads, but it was certainly easier!  I managed to make it through mile 2 at 21:49, so 11:11 on the second mile.  The third mile was about more hills and a little bit more downhill (though mostly up).  I hit the end of that at 32:50, 11:01, so I was really speeding along.  I felt okay and was happy that I was almost halfway through at that point.  The weather today really helped too - the day started out really chilly, overcast and not too humid, and when the race started, so did the rain, so that helped too.  Not great to stand around in before and after the race, but great during! 

Mile four was more up and down, but manageable, and I got to 44:39, 11:49 for that mile.  Not great, but considering that was the furthest I'd run in two weeks, not bad.  

The fifth mile was all about "you've got to be kidding me!"  After we'd run along some good flat ground by the reservoir, we turned around and faced this huge hill.  I knew it was coming, since I'm familiar with this road, and it was the hill that I was dreading being a part of the course.  The woman next to me wasn't sure she'd make it, but I told her it was easier to run it than walk it.  Believing my own BS, I made it to the top of the hill happily, and thought they were sending us straight on downhill.  But no.  Instead, they sent us to the right, right into another hill.  I couldn't believe it.  I made it up that hill too without walking, but when we hit only a bit of a flat, and then another impossibly high hill, I had to walk for two minutes just to be able to keep going.  I'd had a mental argument with myself about it, because there was a woman near me almost the whole race who would walk a lot and then run a little, but her legs were so darn long that she seemed to keep up with me the whole time - and ended up beating me!  I really didn't want to walk any of it, but my legs just made the decision for me and slowed down.  Plus, a lot of people in front of me had started walking much earlier, so I consoled myself with the fact I'd put it off as long as possible!

I made it to the end of mile five at 56:48, 12:09 after the previous mile marker.  I just kept thinking about the finish line, and I had a lot of time to think to myself, since I was almost all alone on the course at this point.  I'd see another runner periodically, but mostly, it was all about me, which helped me run the race I was capable of running today.  I'd also see water stations every once in a while, and people directing the race, and they were great about cheering us all on (even us slow runners).  For a while, I was actually convinced I was last, that anyone I'd passed had just given up and DNF'd, but fortunately that turned out not to be true.  I know someone has to be last, I'm just glad it wasn't me - although, when I post my results, you'll see it almost was.

So the last mile was upon me, and I was feeling pretty good, mostly because I knew it was almost over!  I did have to take another two minute walking break on yet another hill, but I finally saw the six-mile marker and headed into the parking lot of the school for the last 0.20 miles.  Although in my last two races, I've been able to speed up for the end, that simply was NOT happening today.  I'd given everything I had out on the course with all those ridiculous hills, and just didn't have anything left.  I came in at 1:09:41 (69:41), and although it was *just* under 70 minutes, I was happy with it.  I came in 157 out of 172, but I did beat one girl in my age group - I was 6/7.  And I was really happy about that, because she was one of the people I saw at the start who I didn't think I would beat.  It looks like the fastest group was mostly in their thirties, forties and fifties, which you don't see a lot and clearly, I would need to train a lot more/harder if I want to get anywhere near that group, who kept a 6:00 pace.  My official pace was 11:13 (not bad!) and I came in 64/75 women.  Not the most satisfying run I've ever had, but I'm definitely happy with it considering all the factors going into it!  

So after a lovely christening and party for my niece, where I wore high heels, and two walks with the puppies today, my legs are rebelling and exhaustion is threatening to overtake me.  I did go back to the chiropractors to get my legs stretched out after the race, which made me decide that I should have someone around to stretch me out every time I run - that would be great!  I do plan to take the next two days off from running, learning from the revolt my body put up after my two 5k weekend when I only took one recovery day, and then hopefully I should be back to my regularly scheduled blogging/running. At least until I head to Athens in late September. Yes, right before the LBI run - perfect timing :)

Running on Empty

I finally understand why my coach always says he works out to the point of exhaustion when he's stressed over things he can't control. On Saturday morning, my grandma had what turns out to be one in a series of mini-strokes. Fortunately, she happened to be with my parents, because otherwise, I don't think she would have been honest about what was happening. They were all at the beach, and my parents talked her into returning home and at least agreeing to go to the doctor this morning, because she didn't want to go to the hospital. The doctor wasn't able to see her and she did end up in the hospital, but at least they're able to care for her now and make some decisions about her future health and care. Other than her speech, the stroke doesn't seem to be affecting her too much outwardly, which I'm hoping is a good thing. But it's been one of those "wait and see" situations all weekend, which has left me feeling totally helpless and very worried.

So with this and the fact I have to fly to San Francisco tomorrow morning for my company's annual meeting (either with or without my boss, who is also my dad, and might be staying home to help out my mom) weighing on my mind, I was itchy to get out and run yesterday. Since there's little I can be doing for my grandma, I've been trying to keep busy with whatever I can to keep my mind off of things. Running is great for that, because although it's a very solitary sport, which allows your mind to wander, you can also push yourself hard enough that you physically exhaust yourself and you're concentrating more on your body than anything else. Yesterday was mostly perfect running weather, because it was cool and cloudy, but it was deceptive, because it was also very humid. I set out for a 35-minute run, my short run for the week because I was doing two days back to back.

The first mile started out okay, but I could tell my body was feeling very heavy. That always seems to happen when I run back to back days, so it didn't worry me. It just made me feel extra tired. I pushed myself to go as fast as I could, though the humidity kept me at a slower pace than I would have liked. I just kept running though, and was grateful for the lack of sun. I made it to just over a mile and a half and turned around, and finally found my pace. Even though my body was struggling with the humidity, I was able to get up to a good speed (for me at least), and I was definitely tiring myself out.

As I neared my starting point, I realized that I was going to have extra time, since I'd turned around thirty seconds early to account for my usually slower second half. So I ended up running further than my starting point to finish at 35 minutes, and finished at 3.25 miles, which is a 10:46 pace - not bad!

I could definitely feel the run in my legs all day yesterday, especially whenever I was climbing up or down the stairs. My muscles are sore today, so I'm glad for the recovery day. I'm still not sure what I'm running this week, as I'm waiting to hear back from Coach J, who is busy with work and workouts that take up all of his free-time, but because of my trip, it looks like I'll only be able to run Tuesday/Wednesday/Saturday. I'm sure I'll need the runs as a stress-reliever and in the meantime, please say a prayer for my grandma!

Heat and humidity haunt me again

After Thursday's run, I was sore, sore, sore.  Every part of my legs hurt, from my hips, to my knees, to my calves and my quads. The only thing that didn't hurt was my feet!

So I was very glad that yesterday was a recovery day and my intention today was to run as soon as I woke up.  Since I've been having so much trouble sleeping, that ended up being slightly later than I would have liked considering that the temperature for today was to climb to 78 degrees.  I first got up at nine, when it was 66 degrees and cool enough when I let the dog out that I thought I would be okay to go back to sleep a little longer and then head out.  But when I finally left the house, it was 72 degrees, and definitely humid.  I knew I was in for a tough run.

Remembering that heat and humidity always seems to really affect me, I started out slow, aiming for an 11-minute or so pace.  Within a few minutes, I was already overheating - there was almost no breeze, and with no shade, I was running in the direct sun.  I kept telling myself it was only four miles and I could make it.  I was focusing on the thought "This is hard, but it makes me stronger" and that actually kept me going.

As I got closer to the water, there was a slight breeze, which I was so grateful for.  The clouds overhead were floating around, but only seem to shade the road just ahead of where I was, never right over me.  Eventually, I did get to run through some shade patches, so I would take off my hat to let the breeze cool me off a little.  It was too hot to try that in the direct sun, which just seemed to zero in on my dark hair.

I made it to the two-mile marker right at my halfway point time-wise, which I was happy about.  But the second half of the run didn't give me a lot to smile about.  I was so hot, so thirsty, and so tired, I was sure I was going to have to stop to walk.  But I am also really stubborn, and I just wanted to run the full 45 minutes today and not take any walking breaks.  

When I hit 16 minutes left, I started to become a clock-watcher again (even though I know roughly distance-wise how much run I had left).  I kept thinking that if I could make it to ten minutes, I'd be able to finish without taking a walking break.  I was really struggling though, so I tried to focus on my music, think about the big glass of water I was going to have when I got home, anything except how much running was left.  

With five minutes to go, I thought, this is it, I can make it.  I decided at that point that I would stop after 45 minutes, whether I'd made it back to my starting point or not.  Then, there was four minutes left, and it felt like so much time.  I told myself I just needed to get to three minutes.  When I hit that, I told myself I just needed to get to two minutes, and so on.  Finally, with sixty seconds left to go, I told myself to think of the first week I started running, when I only had to run sixty seconds at a time.  I tried to tell myself that a minute was all I had to do and I just about made it.  I don't know when I've ever been so happy to stop and walk!

My body felt okay during the run, but I think I was so focused on how overheated I was that I wasn't thinking about anything else.  As soon as I stopped to walk, I could feel my joints aching again and my muscles tensing up - the muscle soreness I never mind, because it reminds me all day long that I pushed myself, but the joint soreness I could do without.  

I'm considering this a tough, but successful run - I ran 3.86 miles in 45 minutes, which is an 11:34/mile pace.  Slow, but I did run the whole time without stopping, so I've got to consider that a good thing!  Tomorrow, I've got a 35 minute run, and I'm hoping it will be cooler and less humid.  At any rate, I've already gotten in two good runs this week (well, an okay run, and a great run, so they even out) and I think tomorrow's will be a good one too.  We'll see how it goes!

THAT'S IT! Running is HARD.

Okay, so remember the days when I couldn't run five straight minutes? When I thought 20 minutes would find me lying in a ditch on the side of the road, gasping for breath? Somedays, I still forget that I don't still think I have those limitations. But today, I FINALLY broke my five mile barrier and ran 5.6 miles in 60 minutes and 15 seconds. That's right, I ran for more than 60 straight minutes, 16 weeks after I started running. Holy cow.

I have to admit that the weather made a huge difference - it was great running weather: overcast, misty rain, chilly air and a bit of a breeze. Exactly what I needed. Now, if you're keeping track, you'll noticed that I'm missing a running day this week: Tuesday. Tuesday was also perfect running weather, minus the misty rain. But unfortunately, I was sidelined with a nasty migraine, the worst I've had in a while. It was bad enough that despite three Excedrin when I woke up, I still called in late to work for the first time ever - when you work from home, it's hard to call in sick, unless you are really, really sick and can't even work from your bed with a laptop (which I have done, by the way). The headache did go away, but the other symptoms stuck around for a full day, and I felt weak and yucky right through Wednesday. Ah migraines.

At any rate, I didn't get to run on Tuesday and boy, did I need to run today. As you know, I've been struggling with finding the motivation for longer runs, debating whether I'm a recreational or a distance runner. I just couldn't shake a vague feeling of struggle every time I thought about running or went running. But I feel like I'm starting to get past that hurdle. Yesterday, I read a blog post by Liz Waterstraat about running hill repeats (something, by the way, I hope to never do). She talked about seeing Bob Scott, an 80-year-old Ironman, while she was running (that's right, 8-0. He's the current Ironman World Champion for his age group - if I'm still running when I'm 80, please come and find me). When Liz talked to him at the top of the hill/mountain, after her sixth hill run, she told him "This is so hard." His reply - "OF COURSE IT’S HARD! But it makes you strong, Elizabeth."

"THAT'S IT!" I thought! (Picture Charlie Brown yelling this at Lucy in A Charlie Brown Christmas and you'll understand my eureka moment).

This IS hard.

I think that's all I wanted to hear - someone admitting that it's hard for them too (especially a pro-triathlete like Liz). Running is hard work, especially when you get into the higher mileage, and I'm not even running that far yet. You battle with your body, with the weather, with your mind, with your schedule, with your diet, all of that. Just to run a little bit further each time. To have a bad day, followed by another bad day, sometimes followed by a good day. It's HARD. But it's making me stronger. The muscles in my legs are feeling SO strong lately - I can feel them with almost every movement I make. That feeling, I love.

So there's my motivation. This is hard. But it makes me strong.

With that in mind, I prepared myself for today's 60-minute run. I would like to say I jumped right out of bed and ran first thing, but that wouldn't be true. The last two nights, it's taken me until after 3am to fall asleep, so I try to sleep as late as I can so I can be a functioning, productive member of society. Those of you who know me know that it's not pretty when I'm tired. Last night especially, I was feeling jittery, with my legs on edge. That was another sign I needed to run today, to push my body past fatigue so that tonight, I can sleep.

So I headed out on my lunch break with the goal of 60-minutes and the desire to again, break an 11-minute pace. The first two miles were great. My body felt good (of course it did after three days off!), I was keeping a good pace, and the little bit of humidity wasn't holding me back. Around the start of the third mile, I got a twinge in my right knee, but nothing serious. Unfortunately, my knees ended up aching right through the rest of the run, though I didn't let it slow me down! Miles three through five were definitely the worst - I felt like each subsequent mile was twice as long as the last one. But I was feeling good about it mentally as I passed Sunday's halfway point of about 2.5 miles and I knew that if I could keep up my pace, I'd definitely make it past my 5 mile barrier.

I just kept doggedly at my pace and sped up as much as I could when I got to the last half mile or so. With only a few minutes left, I knew I was going to finish strong - finally, another great run in the books. My body felt great towards the end again (minus the knee issues), but as soon as I stopped running to walk, I could tell I'd really pushed myself today - my legs are feeling it! But managing 5.6 miles in 60:15 for a 10:45/mile pace makes me very, very happy.

This weekend, I'm running 45 minutes on Saturday and 35 on Sunday, so we'll see how those go. Next week, I'm off to San Francisco, with a jam packed schedule, so I'll be interested to see how/where I can fit in some runs!

How Will I Survive the Summer's Humidity??

Although I was supposed to run yesterday, when my alarm went off, I was just too darn tired to force myself out of bed.  Plus, it was Saturday!  So I gave myself a break and slept in a little instead.  I also knew it was crazy humid yesterday and was hoping that a thunderstorm yesterday or this morning would cool things off nicely.

Um, not so much.

There hasn't been a thunderstorm yet, so when I headed out this morning at 8 (admittedly, an hour later than I wanted to run), it was humid, humid, humid.  Only 70 degrees, but with the sun shining on me the whole way, and the moisture in the air, I was not loving running today.  

Today's goal was a 55-minute run, the longest ever.  And boy, did it feel that way.  I knew I had to run slowly if I was going to make it the entire way, since I've learned that my body doesn't react well to the humidity.  I was hoping that giving myself 55 minutes would mean I'd FINALLY hit five miles.  Getting to five seems to be impossible for me.  It's like I've hit this wall, and I just can't get to five miles.  I know I will eventually, but in the meantime, it's been very frustrating.  

My body was feeling okay today, not too much soreness in the joints and only a little muscle fatigue, so from that perspective it was a good run.  Although, it could just be that I ended up so overheated that I couldn't think of anything except stopping and getting some water.  The first mile was okay.  I really slowed myself down, to probably around an 11-minute pace and just concentrated on running the whole way.  The second mile got a little tougher, but I just kept thinking about getting through that next stretch to get to two and a half before I turned around.  I did the math before I left (because I can't run and divide time at the same time), and figured that my halfway point would be 27:30.  I passed the marker that would be the halfway point to 4.65 miles that I ran earlier in the week, and thought I was in good shape.  But by that time, I was so unbelievably hot and tired that my mind totally stopped working.  I got it in my head that I had to turn around at 22:30 instead and made it to 25:45 before I realized that I should have turned around already.  And I was already SO tired.  But I told myself I'd just run the 55 minutes, instead of trying to run to where I started, because my body was starting to rebel against the heat and humidity.  

As I headed back, I started to feel really overheated.  I would take off my hat every few minutes and let the intermittent breeze chill my sweaty hair, but that would last only seconds before my dark hair was attracting the sun to my head like a beacon.  I kept up my dogged pace and kept trying to focus on just running.  I passed a lot of people who were out this morning (tourist season has officially begun here at the beach) - mostly bikers and walkers.  Only one other runner - only one other person as crazy as me, battling the humidity to get in a run.  I did see a group of women walking/running, and I wondered if they were doing the couch potato challenge because I only saw them run once, for about thirty seconds.  I felt pretty good that I was running the entire time they were walking, running and then walking again!

With about sixteen minutes left to go, I had to take a walking break.  I was feeling a little delirious because I was so hot, and I thought it was better to take a break than to pass out.  The breeze felt so good once I'd slowed down, and my body wasn't stiffening up like it normally does if I stop to walk in the middle of a run, so that was a good thing.  After two minutes, I started up again and kept trying to think about the end of the run, and the gallon of water I was going to drink when I got home.  I really wanted to finish the run where I had started it, but I was just spent.  Unfortunately, it meant that I had further to walk once I stopped running and it was only sheer force of will and the knowledge that I had water at home that got me to walk that last half mile.  I mean, I seriously debated flagging down a car and either a) asking them if they had a bottle of water or b) asking them if they would drive me home.  When I got home, I immediately took off my shoes and socks, my hat, and my RoadID, turned on the AC and drank a big glass of water.  Unfortunately, my Brita seemed to have developed a small ice issue, which kept it from letting me have any more water.  Of all days.  But I had a little lemonade instead and some yogurt, sat on the couch for a few minutes to cool off, and finally felt more like myself again.  It does make me wonder how I'll survive the humidity in July and August...

And for all that, I only managed to run 4.74 miles.  Seriously?!?  It was disappointing for sure, but I focused on the fact that I got out there and ran, that I managed to run 53/55 minutes on one of the hottest, most humid mornings I've run so far, and that it's still longer than I've ever run before.  So I am making progress, it just feels like it's at a snail's pace!  I was back up well over an 11 minute pace today, which is also frustrating, but I think I need to concentrate on the fact that I'm running at all, instead of how fast I'm going.  There's plenty of time to speed up, right?

So as I promised, I checked in with Coach J, who said tomorrow should be an off day (Sweet!), Tuesday, 40 minutes, Wednesday off, Thursday 60 minutes (I'd better hit five miles that day!), Friday off, Saturday 45 minutes and Sunday 35 minutes.  That sounds fairly reasonable to me, so I'm going to continue to take Jannah's advice of taking it one workout at a time and hope for the best!

Short Runs Can Still Be Hard!

Today I finally learned what runners are talking about when they say their legs are "dead." Holy cow, was today's run tough!

When I went to bed last night, my body hurt. Just ached in my lower back, my hips, my knees. Getting into bed, I hoped that a good night's sleep would solve my soreness and I'd wake up fresh and ready to run.

Unfortunately, that was not exactly how it went. I managed to get myself into bed by 11, but wanted to read a couple of chapters of my book first. I was definitely tired, but it was a scary mystery that had me convinced I heard someone downstairs in the house. Yes, despite the fact I have a very loud alarm system. I thought maybe someone had hidden upstairs earlier in the day while the alarm was off - can you tell I have an active imagination? So after tossing and turning for a while, I finally got up and checked every nook and cranny. Nobody. So feeling much safer, I finally tried to fall back asleep and was successful.

At about 6:45 I was jolted awake for no good reason. I peeked out of my eye mask (which I'm wearing in lieu of room darkening shades), and saw how sunny it was, so then, I was up. But I was feeling very tired, and still pretty sore, so I started the mental debate.

Do I have to run today?

Well, maybe not. Maybe I could take the day off and run tomorrow. Ugh, but then I'd be running back to back with a long Saturday run. What if I took two days off? Hmm, that might be too long. Everyone's expecting me to run today. Okay, so I guess I have to run today.

Then: maybe I don't have to get up and run now!

Well, I probably do. It's supposed to be in the eighties today, and remember how it felt to run yesterday when it was so hot? Oh yeah, yucky. Besides, even though you're tired, you're already awake, so you might as well get up and run.

But I feel so blah.

How about a short run instead? (Yes, yes, I know this was supposed to be a "short" 40-minute run, but I mean shorter). What if I just did 2 miles instead? I can run 20 minutes, can't I? Sure, a 20-minute run might be fun.

Okay, so I finally got up.

Checking the temperature, it was about 50 degrees, so I put on my running tights instead of shorts. Mistake #1 - I should have checked the humidity. Made it feel like it was 70 instead of 50, so I was hot the whole time I was running.

I headed out and started running and that's when I figured out what other runners have meant by "dead legs." I can't really describe it other than to say I'd clearly pushed the muscles in my legs as far as they were prepared to go, and they felt like they stopped responding. Sweet.

But I kept going. My joints hurt as usual, and I tried telling myself that it was just a short run, only two miles. Ha ha, only two miles. I crack myself up.

With running over an 11-minute pace yesterday, I figured I should give myself 22 minutes of running to make sure I got in 2 miles. When I hit a half a mile though, I really thought I should have decided to run only a mile. But ten minutes of running seemed so short, so I kept pushing myself. I pushed myself to 9 minutes, 10 minutes, and finally 11 minutes before I turned around.

By this time, my body was really letting me know that it hated me. I kept thinking that the total time running was so much shorter today than usual, that I had to just keep going and finish. Honestly, I'm not sure how I managed it, other than "Let it Rock" coming on my headphones at the right time, but I managed to do 2.35 miles in 22:30 - that's a 9:34 pace! I was surprised that I managed such a fast pace on a two mile run - that's the quickest I've ever gone on a longer run (my fastest pace is 9:32 when I ran a mile a couple of months ago). So clearly, I was pushing myself harder this morning again. I'll admit to knowing I was doing it too, because despite how tired my body was, I knew I could keep up a faster pace on a shorter run, and I wanted to see how I could do. Of course, now, I feel as though I need a nap and I'm about ready to throw a party because I get a recovery day tomorrow.

Today, I'm still having trouble finding my motivation for longer runs. Coach J suggested bribing myself with brownies, but let's be honest, I would eat those things whether I run far or not. I have been bribing myself with cupcakes, as in "Just think, when you get home, you can eat a cupcake." But again, I'd probably eat the cupcakes whether I run or not. I had hoped that registering last week for the 10k would be solid motivation, because when I registered for my 5k's, I thought oh crap, I'd better make sure I run, and run far enough, so that I'm prepared. But this week, I just keep asking myself why the heck I registered for it at all! This week has got me wondering a lot of things: am I really cut out to be a distance runner? Do I just prefer to run 3-ish miles three days a week? Maybe I overextended myself with the goal of running the LBI race this year, and should just postpone it to next year? Why did I go from loving running to not really loving it in about two weeks' time? Why can't I seem to get past this 4.5 mile threshold?

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely pleased that I went from not running at all - a literal couch potato - to running three to four days a week, 2-4.5 miles at a time in about three months. That's a great feeling. But I am struggling with finding a balance between maybe having to be satisfied with being a recreational runner, who competes in 5k's and runs 10 miles a week, but feels guilty/disappointed that I can't/didn't run in the 18-mile race and a marathon and maybe just seeing this as a bump in the road, a fly in my motivation ointment, which I'll look back on as something else I overcame in a few months' time. It's hard to know what the answers are.

So in the meantime, my plan is to train for my 10k as hard as I can, and then re-evaluate after that. Coach J thought I had come up with a crazy schedule this week (I always prefer when he thinks I'm pushing myself too hard, because then I can relax a little!), so even though he actually has a crazy schedule of workouts in preparation for the LP Ironman in July, I will be bugging him again to let me know what I should actually be running. And I will be hoping that this is just a bump in the road!

Guess which idiot picked the hottest part of the day to run?

Um, yes, that would be this idiot.

I definitely should have run first thing this morning, but watching Daniel Craig in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was infinitely more important than getting to sleep early last night. We all have our priorities.

At any rate, the weather here is gorgeous today - sunny, low-ish humidity, a cool breeze - just perfect. Unless you are a runner. Then, it's just a little bit too hot, a little bit too sunny, and the wind is either too strong or non-existent.

When I headed out to run this afternoon, it was already 77 degrees. After having to walk for a lot of Saturday's run because of the humidity, I knew I needed to pace myself well if I wanted to run the whole 45 minutes I had planned for today. I started out slowly and was running into the wind for the first half. Sometimes that was okay, because it would cool me off, but more often than not, it wasn't a very cool breeze, so it just forced me to struggle a bit to keep my pace up. I kept feeling like I was running so slowly that I was almost running in place, but after a few minutes, I could really feel myself tiring out, so I knew I had to keep it slow.

After the first mile, I was really struggling, and I was worried that I'd have to take a walking break. I think if I hadn't taken it so easy last week and cut myself a break, I probably would have walked a lot today. But because I felt like I didn't get a solid week of running in last week and I need to be able to survive that 10k in about three weeks, I continued to push myself. I reminded myself that my "happy life list" or "bucket list" or whatever you want to call it doesn't say "Run a 10k under a 10-minute mile pace." It just says "Run a 10k" (it used to say "Run a 5k" by the way - first thing I got to cross off!!). So although I like to think that I need to be running faster all the time, the main thing is that I'm running. And today, I ran.

I tried to think about the part of my route that was right ahead of me (especially since I felt like every time I looked at the time, I always had thirty-plus minutes left). And I just...kept....going. It was slow, but I was running. I had it in my head that I just wanted to hit the 5k halfway mark, that if I did, I would consider that a win for today. But then I passed it. And kept going. I realized that I was definitely going to hit four miles for today (which is not ALL that huge for running 45 minutes, but I was so hot and tired, it was a big deal to me today). Because I knew I was really going to be tired on the back half, I turned around about twenty seconds early and headed home. On the second half of the run, I got to thinking a bit (I love it when I can think about something besides how tired my body feels while I'm running, because it makes me feel less tired). I passed a group of people sitting on the beach (in bikinis - is it really bikini season already? I mean, I'm wearing shorts and a tee shirt, but I was running...anyway, I digress) and although I'm a huge fan of sitting on the beach and relaxing, I was proud of myself that I was taking a lunch break to run. A few months ago, the most athletic thing I was doing was scrubbing my bathtub and today, I ran four miles. That made me feel pretty good about myself! And it's made me feel like other things are possible in my life too.

As I was running, I also passed a woman on a bike - a serious biker. You can tell the difference, because leisure bicycle riders are wearing regular clothes and sit up straight on their bikes. They sort of meander along, and you can tell they're either trying to get from place to place, or their just enjoying the weather. The serious athletes are the ones with helmets, wearing spandex, and crouched over their handlebars like they're in the Tour de France. As she passed me, she waved and smiled and it made me feel like part of this club of athletes - people who work out when it's hot, or even when it's raining - definitely a cool feeling!

Despite that though, I've been having a bit of an internal debate with myself lately, wondering if I might just be a recreational runner, and not a competitive one. I really loved the experience of my two 5k's and have enjoyed all my training up until then. But since then, having to ramp up my running has really been a mental struggle and I feel like I'm trying to get over this threshold to become a real distance runner. I'm not sure if it was because I had two bad weeks of running right after the 5k's, feeling like my body was revolting against me and finding it hard to get back into the rhythm of running or if it's because I just don't want to run more than 3 or 3 1/2 miles at a time. I'll have to figure that one out. Mainly I have this question in my head before I run, but then when I get back home after a good run (or even today, after a tough run), I feel great and enjoy seeing how far I can run. So who knows?

At any rate, I finished 4.06 miles in 45:10 - an 11:07 pace. I wasn't very happy with being over 11 minutes again, but since it was hot today and I deliberately slowed myself down, I'm going to cut myself some slack. I think tomorrow is supposed to be more of the same, so I plan to get my butt out of bed earlier and run first thing instead, and hopefully I'll have some better speed. Tomorrow is a short run (ha ha, I love when I call 40 minutes a short run. It sounds short, but it sure doesn't feel that way!). Then I've got Friday off and I've got a nice long 55-minute run on Saturday. In about a week or so, I think I'll actually be running to the post office in town and back - I always thought that was so much longer than it actually is...